The reason I haven’t been blogging too much this summer is because my father almost died. I’ve learned so much during this time period. This experience is something I want to pass on to others so that they can learn from it. I’m going to do this in installments over the next week or so. Part 1 is from an IM that I sent to a friend when I was trying to explain what I was first going through. This will explain what happened at the beginning of the summer. Stay tuned for Part 2.

I explained my situation to my friend from from this “let’s pretend” angle. His stepdad was named Bill. Here’s a little of my background so that this makes sense. I’m an only child. My parents were 20 years apart in age. My mother passed away 5 years ago. This was a shock since she was so much younger than my father. My situation is quite unusual because most people my age have grandparents that are my father’s age. This means that I’m going through some things that most people don’t through until they’re much older. Most people can’t relate to what I’ve been going through. The positive side of this experience is that I’ve had to learn how to cope on my own. I’ve become very independent. Here’s my story.

So pretend you don’t have any siblings and that you don’t have any other family members. I have a couple but I can’t lean on them so it doesn’t really matter.

So, let’s pretend you have no family members. Now, you were close with your stepdad so you can relate to both of your parents as a family unit. Pretend it’s you and the two of them. There’s no one else.

I know that you’re close to your mom. Imagine being 50% closer than you already are. That’s what happens when you’re an only child and the parents are together. Basically you become this weird little insular unit and everyone is an outsider.

So now let’s pretend that you’re almost 10 years younger than you are now. Your mom dies.

Let’s then pretend that Bill was 25 years older than he was at that time (10 years ago).

No family. It’s just you and Bill. You’re a single guy, running around and doing whatever you want. Now Bill needs you and you have to do whatever your mom did for him before.

You have to see him about 10 times as much as you did before. .

Fast forward a few years. You’re now taking Bill to doctors and you’ve taken over doing everything for the house that he lives in. Let’s pretend though that in addition to that house he has another home and you still have your home that you own to deal with. You’re taking care of all of the homes. You’re making every appointment.

Now you’ve always had maids and people to pick up some of the slack. You don’t have that anymore. You’re cleaning your house and one of Bill’s houses. You’re doing the laundry. Bill needs a major procedure. You have to take him to get that done and take care of him while he gets better. 6 weeks later, you have to do the exact same thing again.

Some time passes. Things start to feel normal. You’ve gotten passed your mom’s death. You’re used to your relationship with Bill.

You decide that you need more in your life. You go back to school for some certifications. You start your own business.

Right when that’s going well, you notice that Bill isn’t doing as well. You decide that Bill really needs to get out to the second home. You’ll live with him for a few months during the summer. You’ll get him out into the sunshine. It will be good for you too. You basically haven’t gone away for more than a week in 5 years because you’re afraid to leave Bill alone. You now haven’t gone anywhere for more than 3 days in a year and a half because you’re too afraid to do it.

Bill starts acting stubborn. He doesn’t quite want to go to the house yet. You don’t understand it. You make him go.Bill drives to the house because even though he’s old, he does these things.

You get to the house. You give Bill dinner. Now it’s time to go to sleep. Bill tries to go to his room upstairs and falls. It takes you 1 hour to get him up. You get him to a room on the main floor. He basically never gets out of bed again. Within the next 2 weeks, he falls 2 more times. He then becomes incontinent because he can’t get up to go to the bathroom. You’re now changing his sheets and pajamas a bunch of times a day. You’re washing sheets and clothes 3 times a day. Your friends come over on a holiday weekend and see EVERYTHING that’s going on.

You haven’t really admitted to anyone what’s going on. You just assume you can handle it. Then you end up having to call some nursing service. You think you’re getting someone in a few hours a day, a few days a week.

2 days later, you have a random man living in your house. You’ve been informed that you have to have 24 hour a day service. Bill is yelling at you all day long because you’re an ingrate. You want to leave the house for a few hours, you get yelled out. You want to take a class, you’re made to feel like shit. You want to go away for the weekend so that you can feel normal, you’re made to feel like a horrible human being.

You come back from the weekend. The nursing service place tells you that you have to have a full time person in or they won’t do it. They’ve got you by the balls.

You make an appointment with a local doctor. You’re assuming the worst. Bill looks like shit. He looked a better a few days earlier. You left for the weekend and you realize that Bill hasn’t had a normal meal because you didn’t make him one for 3 days.

.

You don’t feel like doing any of the work. You feel like doing nothing. You can’t not do the work.

You don’t know where to get the car inspected. You found out that the inspection lapsed. Bill used to do these things. No more. Because you don’t really have the time or the energy for it, you now park 10 blocks from town to run errands so that you don’t get any more tickets.

You spend most of your day crying. You stay in your room and do it silently so that Bill doesn’t know and the random guy now living in your house doesn’t  know. You also make excuses to go to town so that you can listen to music and cry in your car.

Y

ou don’t know too many people in the town where the second home is so you start making loads of plans for friends to come out and see you. But, when they’re not there, you’re basically in a town by yourself. You know no one.